A Grey Wolves Howliday Read online

  The room suddenly became completely silent. Zara glanced around at the surrounding faces. She didn’t see any pity, thank goodness. She saw understanding from Bethany and Sally. Peri, Jen, Jacque and Elle looked ready to kill someone. Crina and Rachel both seemed to peer at her in awe.

  “You’re a fighter,” Rachel said.

  “You didn’t let them break you,” Sally added.

  “Wadim has never made me feel unwanted.” Zara’s voice shook. “He’s been so easy to talk to. I’m trying not to question him. But I can’t help but wonder if he’s the one that’s not ready. He knows how my body was damaged. Maybe he’s worried he won’t be attracted to me.”

  Every single female in the room shook their heads at her.

  “Nope,” Jen said.

  “Couldn’t happen,” Jacque agreed.

  “You could be bald, boobless, covered in leprosy, rolled in tar, and then dipped in sewage, and your mate would still desire you,” Crina added. “There’s a reason no other man can love you the way your true mate does.”

  Peri leaned forward, resting her arms on her legs as she narrowed her eyes on Zara. “I’ve been around for a long time—”

  “Understatement.” Jen coughed.

  Peri ignored her and continued. “I’ve been an ambassador to the wolves for most of that time. I’ve been around them, learned their ways, and watched them with their mates. Of all the races, both ordinary and supernatural, there are none more devoted. You share a soul with your male. You are more precious to him than every breath he takes. There is nothing you could do to change that. Not a single thing in your past, your present, or your future will ever change that.”

  Tears welled up in Zara’s eyes. She was so sick of crying. Every time she was away from Wadim, she had to choke down the painful emotions. It was the pain of rejection. “You guys don’t understand. I am not like you all. I mean, if I took my clothes off, you would not see a complete woman.” She was trying so hard not to lose it. Zara didn’t want to tell them exactly what she meant. It was just too embarrassing. Even now, she was ashamed at how her body had been forever mutilated. “It’s humiliating,” she whispered, her hands fidgeting in her lap as she tried to keep them from shaking.

  “This is obviously a very traumatizing thing for you to talk about,” Peri said slowly, as if picking her words carefully. “You are a dormant, which means there might be limits to how your body deals with trauma. Wolves usually heal faster than humans, and they typically don’t carry scars from injuries unless the wounds were inflicted by a fae blade,” she explained. Peri took a deep breath before she continued. “Was such a weapon involved in your … ordeal?”

  Zara shook her head. “I have no idea.” She licked her lips and swallowed. She reached for her wolf’s courage to try and talk to these women who had become more than friends. They were family, pack. They wouldn’t judge her or shame her. “Mostly, he bit me. But he did cut me as well. I have scars everywhere. But he also did something else. Something that makes it almost impossible to look at myself in a mirror. I’ve tried to get past it. Wadim has reassured me over and over that it doesn’t change how he sees me. But I feel incomplete.”

  The high fae stared at her for a long time. Then she finally spoke again. “I can try to help. But I’ll need to know what was done, and I can’t make any promises.”

  Zara’s heart sped up. She felt a sliver of hope begin to blossom. Maybe it was wrong of her to want to change herself. Her mate assured her he still found her attractive. But in reality, she knew it wasn’t completely about Wadim. It was about herself. It was about the fact that she’d lost something that made her a woman. Did men have them? Yes, but they didn’t serve a purpose. They didn’t have the ability to sustain the life of their child. Men didn’t see them as a substantial body part that made them feel complete. She wanted that back. She wanted it for herself, not for Wadim, but because it was how she was created. A woman. Equal to a man but different. And they were good differences, necessary differences.

  Zara clenched her jaw and then finally answered. “If I ever had a child, I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed them.”

  She saw confusion mar all of their faces, except for Jen and Jacque. They seemed to get it right away.

  “Bastard,” Jen growled. “He’s lucky I wasn’t the one to get my hands on him. I would have pumped him full of adrenaline so he’d stay awake while I cut off his jewels with a dull butter knife.”

  Zara chuckled without humor. “Believe me, that was one of my constant fantasies while I was trapped.”

  Peri stood up from her seat and walked over to Zara. She sat on the coffee table directly in front of the girl.

  “You don’t have to do this.” Wadim’s voice filled her mind. “I never meant to make you feel like I didn’t desire you, beautiful,” he said, his voice more gentle than it had been in days. “I love you. I want you no matter what.”

  Zara felt the tears fall down her face. “I’m not doing this for you,” she responded. “This is for me. Maybe it’s vain. Maybe it makes me weak because I can’t come to terms with it. But this is what I want. For so long, what I wanted didn’t matter. I had no power over my choices. Now, I do.”

  “I think her mate just got involved.” Jen’s voice filled the surrounding quiet.

  “Zara.” He breathed out her name like a prayer. “I don’t know what to say to make you understand.”

  “If it makes you feel better, I’m not doing this in hopes that you’ll change your mind. You’ve made a choice based on your convictions. I’ve tried to ask you to see my point of view, but I need to respect your choice. And I need you to respect mine.” Zara felt his anger, pain, and desperation through the bond. She didn’t understand why he was feeling those things. They’d both shut down most of the bond, so she wasn’t getting everything from him.

  “I won’t try to stop you,” he said, and it sounded as if he was speaking through gritted teeth. “But I wish you could see yourself as I do.”

  “I do, and I’m in awe of how you feel about me. This is about how I see myself. If it works, then I will be thankful. If it doesn’t, I will learn to love my body as it is.”

  “Tell your man to work on his own issues.” Jen spoke again. “He’s obviously got some crap to deal with. When he’s worked on himself, then he can give you advice on what he thinks you should do.”

  Zara wiped her tears away and looked at Jen. “How did you know he was trying to change my mind?”

  “Because they always think they know what is best for us. It’s in their genetic makeup to try to convince us we’re perfect just the way we are. Unless we’re trying to force them to build dog houses for dogs we don’t have yet.”

  “To be fair, that was a little ridiculous.” Jacque snorted.

  “Maybe, but it was also funny as hell.” Jen smiled wickedly.

  Zara looked back at Peri. “What do I need to do?”

  Peri’s lips turned up a bit. “Just sit there and let me work my magic. If I’m successful, you’ll be obligated to gush over me and all that is my awesomeness.”

  Zara laughed. “I can do that, but you’ll eventually get annoyed with it.”

  “You learn quickly.” Peri placed her hands on Zara’s. “Sally and Rachel, a little healer’s magic wouldn’t hurt, considering you two badasses can knit organs and crap back together.”

  Sally immediately came over and dropped to her knees. She placed a hand just below Zara’s collarbone on her left side. Rachel did the same on her right side.

  “Going to try this without groping you.” Sally gave a teasing smile.

  “Spoilsports,” Jen said. “It would have been awesome to rub it in history boy’s face that you and Rachel got to second base before him.”

  Groans filled the room, but Bethany said, “That would be hilarious.”

  “You don’t get a vote, remember?” Jacque growled. “Pregnant, dead brain cells. Enough said.”

  “Let’s do this,” Peri commanded.

>   Zara could feel Wadim in her mind, almost as if he were pacing. She could also hear him growling. She ignored him and focused on her own body. Warmth filled her, starting in her chest and then radiating outward, down her arms, stomach, and thighs, all the way to the tips of her toes and to the top of her head.

  It felt as if she sat there for hours with the three females touching her, working their magic. Finally, their hands moved away, and the warmth receded. Zara felt peace. Her body felt whole, strong, and, not knowing how else to describe it, healed.

  Everyone gazed at her. She didn’t really know what to do.

  “Are you going to look down your own shirt, or would you like me to do it for you?” Jen asked, completely serious.

  First, Zara pulled up her sleeves. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open. The bites and scars were gone. Her skin was now smooth and unblemished. Her heart raced. She reached for the hem of her shirt and pulled it up enough to show her stomach. It, too, was completely healed. She swallowed hard and dropped her shirt. Zara’s hands shook. She pulled the collar of her shirt outward. She used her thumb and forefinger to grasp the edge of her sports bra. Her eyes closed briefly before opening again and then looking down.

  She couldn’t help but weep when her eyes found what they were looking for.

  “Based on that expression, I’m guessing we’ve got identical twins. Congratulations!” Jen clapped.

  Zara closed her eyes, wanting to laugh but too overwhelmed with emotions.

  “Girl, don’t be ashamed to be happy.” Jen patted Zara’s back. “Thia gnawed my nipples to death. They looked like raw meat. I never thought they’d be the same. I was convinced my girls were going to be forever deformed, which would have been a shame because I’ve got such a nice rack.”

  “Thank you for that pep talk, Jen.” Elle rolled her eyes. “We all feel better knowing that your girls have been restored to their pre-baby glory.”

  “Damn straight.” Jen nodded. “All right, I’ve seen Bethany’s, and she’s got something to be proud of. Let’s see if Peri, Sally, and Rachel have added you to the perfect teet posse.” Jen pointed a finger at her. “And, yes, I used the word teet on purpose because I’m tactful like that.”

  “Didn’t work,” Crina offered. “You’ve probably made her feel like livestock.”

  “I’m a work in progress. Hold your judgment until I’m dead.” Jen waived the she-wolf off.

  Jacque shook her head and ran a hand down her face. “There are so many things wrong with that I can’t even find a place to start. Zara, you don’t have to show off your girls. You can be overjoyed with them on your own, without Jen getting some kicks.”

  Zara wasn’t really paying attention. She’d let go of her shirt and was staring at Peri. A moment later, she threw herself at the high fae and wrapped her arms around Peri’s neck. “Thank you,” Zara whispered. “Thank you so much.”

  Peri patted her on the back, her hand hesitant. “I’m glad I could help. Though I won’t lie. It’s one of the most unique things I’ve ever used my power to accomplish.”

  Zara laughed as joy filled her. She released Peri and then hugged Rachel, thanking her and then Sally.

  “I’m sure Wadim would have been completely happy with your boobs as they were before,” said Jen. “But I bet he will be so thrilled about your happiness at your return of nipplehood that he will want to celebrate. And by celebrating, I totally mean he’ll be wanting to give them a personal congratulation. As a payback to his earlier buttheadedness, I think she should stay here all night.”

  “Occasionally even a blind squirrel finds a nut.” Crina pointed at Jen. “I think that’s completely fair.”

  The others laughed, but Zara simply smiled. Her mind was still focused on the fact that the last part of the remnants that Ander had left her with were gone. Zara felt free. Truly free.

  “We need to talk.” Wadim’s voice filled her mind again. This time, his emotions were so strong she couldn’t keep the bond shut as tightly as she had been. Zara could feel him pushing on the wall she’d erected around her thoughts. She pictured his wolf running full steam ahead, plowing into them with his huge head. Or maybe that was an image Wadim was sending her. She couldn’t tell because she was losing the battle to keep him out.

  “Okay, so as much as I would love to stay and celebrate…” Zara turned to look at Jen. “And no, I don’t mean celebrate by bringing the healed teets out to play.”

  “Spoilsport,” Jen muttered.

  “My mate requests my presence,” Zara finished.

  “Requests?” Jacque asked, her eyebrows raised.

  “Okay, more like demands,” Zara admitted with a sheepish shrug.

  “That sounds more like one of our men,” Sally agreed.

  “Don’t let him make you feel as if you made the wrong choice,” Jen told her.

  “He wouldn’t do that.” Zara knew she was right. Wadim might be angry, but she didn’t think it was because she’d let Peri, Sally, and Rachel heal her.

  “Just be honest with him,” Rachel told her, her face warm with understanding. “Usually when they’re upset, it’s because they just want to help, and they don’t know how.”

  Zara nodded. “Thank you.” She looked around the room at each of the women present. “I’m so glad to have you girls as my family. I wish—” Her throat tightened at the thought of their former alpha female. Taking a deep, calming breath, she continued. “I wish Alina could be here. She would have loved this.”

  “And she would have known exactly what to say.” Crina’s eyes glistened with tears.

  They were all quiet, as if they each knew they needed to give a moment of silence for the leader they loved so much.

  “You better go on and face your wolf,” Jacque encouraged a couple of minutes later. “If you wait too long, he’ll come barging in here and just cart you off like a Neanderthal.”

  The rest of the females nodded their agreement.

  Zara stood and set the mug down on the coffee table. As she headed for the door, Jen spoke up. “Take a few days off, Z. Straightening things out with your mate is priority number one, always.”

  Zara glanced over her shoulder. “Should I make him build me something if he continues to be stubborn?” Her lips turned up in a small smile.

  Jen’s eyes danced with humor, and she nodded. “A doghouse. With his name on the front, because that’s where he’s going to be sleeping if he doesn’t get his furball head out of his furball butt.”

  “Good job on keeping it clean.” Sally smiled.

  “Furball ass would have had a better punch to it,” Jen grumbled.

  Zara laughed and stepped out into the corridor. As she closed the door behind her, she tried to get her thoughts in order for what she was going to say to her mate. His emotions were bombarding her, making it hard to concentrate.

  “I’m coming to get you,” Wadim said suddenly.

  “There’s no need. I’ll meet you in our room,” Zara replied. She felt his surprise and then his relief. “Here goes nothing,” Zara whispered.

  Chapter 7

  “On the seventh day of Christmas my werewolf gave to me seven perfect kisses, six packs of Oreos, five satisfied smiles, four hours of hotness, three growling males, two cursing pups, and a furball in a fir tree.

  Jen’s not the only one who gets to make up the song.” ~Zara

  Wadim paced the mansion’s archives, muttering. Every second his mate was not there with him was one second too many. The historian knew what was wrong, both with himself and his wolf, but he didn’t know how to tell Zara without scaring the living crap out of her.

  His mate thought he didn’t want to complete their bond, which he knew made Zara feel as if he was rejecting her. And he’d given her every reason to think that, but not because it was true. In fact, it was the opposite. He wanted her so badly that he didn’t trust his own control. She’d been brutalized in the most horrific way a woman could be. Because of that, Zara didn’t need him pawing at
her like a lust-filled teenage boy. She needed a man who could move slowly, gently, and with patience. When she’d told him she was ready, Wadim had to practically muzzle his wolf. Everything inside of him, every instinct, was telling him to carry her to their bed and strip her down, let her bite him, and make her his in every way possible. But the desire had been so strong it had paralyzed him. He hadn’t been able to move for fear of throwing her over his shoulder.

  After Fane had declared a break from the Christmas preparations, Wadim had been in a lighthearted mood, thinking he and Zara would get to spend some time together. Wadim loved to play with his mate. It didn’t matter the game. He loved board games, wrestling, or a particular favorite of his—chase in the woods—even if she was in her human form. Maybe especially if she was in her human form. Wadim just loved being with her. He hadn’t been prepared for Zara to tell him what he’d been longing to hear. He’d been ready to wait years, especially after he found out everything she’d endured.

  Wadim heard the door open at the top of the stairs. Her soft footsteps were slow, almost hesitant. He hated that he’d made her feel unsure. That he’d made her doubt his feelings and desire for her. “Get it together.” His wolf growled at him. And the beast was right. Wadim needed to pull himself together so he could be what his mate needed. He had to try and understand her choice, even if it made him feel inadequate. It wasn’t about him. This was about Zara.

  When her form rounded the bottom of the staircase and she came into view, her beauty knocked the breath out of him, as it always did. She was a miracle. Wadim had given up on the idea of a true mate, but then there she was, crashing into him. From the moment he’d touched her, he hadn’t wanted to stop. And he rarely wasn’t touching her when they were together. They stood only fifteen feet apart, and yet it felt like there was a massive chasm between them.