Call Me Crazy Page 11

  “Do you have a plan for leaving?” she asks me.

  “Haven’t really made it that far, yet.”

  “Do you want to see him one more time?”

  “No.” My answer is swift and rings with a finality that I can’t escape.

  “Today is Tuesday. You aren’t leaving until Thursday.” She points out unnecessarily.

  “Then I guess I need to leave sooner.”

  I see Candy’s wheels turning as she considers my words.

  “We’ll need Zeke. Are your parents coming?”

  “No, I’m eighteen, I can sign myself out, and Dr. Stacey agreed that that would probably be best.”

  Candy nods and then stands up, moaning and groaning and mumbling something about getting old being a bitch. “I’m going to go get Zeke, we’re going to get this planned and then you are going to get some sleep.”

  “Yes Aunt Candy,” I say as I roll my eyes and cringe because they hurt from me digging my hands into them trying to stay the tears.

  ~

  Exactly twenty two minutes from the time Candy left my room in search of Zeke we have a plan. It sucks, but unless I’m ready to bear my shame and truth to Trey, which by the way that’s a big freaking hell no, then this is the best I’ve got.

  “I’m glad you’re getting to leave Tally, but I’m going to miss you.” Zeke’s smiles at me and I wonder again how someone so large can be so gentle. He hugs me and because I’m falling apart, I hug him back. “You don’t worry about a thing, Candy and I will make sure he doesn’t find out.”

  “Thank you, Zeke,” I whisper to him before I finally let go.

  I look over at Candy, not really expecting any sappy words.

  “You aren’t really leaving tomorrow brat, so I’m not giving you any blubbering or goodbyes.”

  I smile at her and realize that not only am I going to miss Candy, but I was losing a piece of myself. Candy holds a special place in my heart, and so that piece will stay with her when I leave. That’s what sucks about giving away your heart, whether to friends or lovers, if you love completely then you never get that piece back.

  They both begin to head towards the door. “Hey,” I step towards them, my head is screaming at me to shut up, but my heart is yelling louder. “Um, can you get me a piece of paper and pen?”

  Candy shakes her head knowingly as Zeke reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a piece of paper that had been folded one too many times, and a pen. He hands them to me but before he lets go his eyes meet mine, “Some things only come once in a life time― remember that.”

  Chapter 11

  “When my mom told me to remember my choice during dark times, I didn’t know those dark times would come knocking at my door before my choice had even been declared.”

  ~Trey

  “I’m headed out to see mom, Shichu.” I grab my keys off the counter and slip my phone in one pocket and my wallet in the other. My grandmother comes around the corner of the kitchen doorway, a single brow raised.

  “Just your mother?”

  “Don’t start grandma,” I tell her dryly.

  She shrugs, “It’s not my business, but you seem to be spending a lot of time with her. You haven’t bothered to introduce her to your mother… or me for that matter.”

  I walk over to her, lean down, and wrap her in a hug. “I’m not going to rush things with her. She seems…,” I take a breath trying to pick the right words, “fragile. Not all of the time, but sometimes when she doesn’t know I’m watching, I see the pain that she hides from whatever it is that has caused it.”

  She reaches up as my mother has always done, pats my face, and looks into my eyes. “Well, if she is a wounded animal, then it is right to take it slow. Then again…,” I see worry suddenly frame her features and her eyes drop, “You’ve dealt with so many wounds in your young life, maybe it’s time to find someone who doesn’t require so much of your strength.”

  I feel my body tighten. There have only been a handful of times that I have been angry with my grandmother, and those moments didn’t last very long, so I’m surprised to feel the rush of anger that fills me from her words.

  “Our hearts don’t choose their match based on the baggage they may or may not have.” My words are nearly a growl. I turn to look at her as she clasps her hands beneath her chin and a smile stretches across her face.

  “You would be such a fine Chief.”

  “You were just testing me?”

  She nods. “A lesser man would agree with me. I’m glad to know that your experiences with your mother haven’t warped your ability to love.”

  I blow out an annoyed growl and squeeze my eyes shut. When I open them, she has walked away and is humming a favorite tune.

  As I’m driving to the hospital, I consider what my grandmother has said. There is definitely something in Tally’s life that has caused the lost look that I sometimes see. She is too young to have something so terrible to happen and I can’t imagine there is anything that would keep me from her. There isn’t much worse than watching a disease destroy your own mother to the point that she attempts to take her own life.

  As usual, my mom is in the corner of the rec room, only this time she is holding a book in her hands. When I get closer, I realize that it is a Bible. I find it odd because she has never shown any interest in the Christian religion, though she does believe there is one creator of all.

  “Planning to convert?” I tease, taking a seat next to her.

  She glances up at me and there is such sorrow in her eyes.

  “What’s wrong mom?”

  She closes the book and gently sets in her lap, folding her hands on top. Her shoulders slump forward while she drops her head forward briefly before finally looking at me.

  I can tell something is really wrong and I feel a prickle of fear crawl up my spine.

  “Are you okay? Do I need to get a doctor?” I’m desperate to figure out what is happening because the anguish I can feel coming from her worries me.

  “No, I don’t need a doctor,” she answers at last.

  “Okay, can you tell me what’s going on?” I ask wanting her to elaborate.

  “I’m just sad today. It’s nothing to worry about.”

  She’s lying to me. I don’t want to upset her so I decide to let it be. The rest of our time I tell her about Tally and the conversations I’ve had with her.

  “You look tired,” I say after a long pause in the conversation.

  “Yes, but I want to sit just a little longer. You go ahead and go on. I love you.”

  “Do you think your meds are working?”

  She hesitates, but then finally nods. “Well enough, I suppose.”

  “Mom…,”

  She cuts me off. “Trey quit worrying about me. You have enough to worry about.”

  “Okay,” I tell her as I reach over and hug her. I stand, glancing back once while I walk out of the rec room. I only have a second to consider mother’s last statement when Candy’s door flies open even faster than usual and she storms out.

  “We need to have a powwow,” she tells me gruffly.

  “Can it wait until after I see Tally?”

  Candy gives me a look that shouts, you did not just say that and then adds, “If I thought it could wait til after you see Tally I would have said, ‘Hey we need to powwow, after you see Tally.’” Turning away from me, she cups her mouth and yells, “Zeke!”

  The big man that generally sits at the back doors comes striding towards us. His usually smiling face is masked now with a tight jaw and narrow eyes.

  “Candy, I’m not asking. I want to see Tally, now.” I start becoming agitated with her, but I tell myself I’ve never man-handled an old lady and I don’t want to start now.

  I am trying to think of reasons that Candy would have for doing this and one hits me, “Is she alright? Has something happened to her?” When she doesn’t answer, I ask another question that occurs to me, “Have I done something?”

  “Well if you
did, I hope you at least enjoyed it.” She cackles at her joke and then grabs my arm and turns us in the opposite direction of Zeke. With his long stride, it doesn’t take long for him to catch up. Candy’s footsteps quicken and I’m surprised that she can keep up with my own long strides, but she doesn’t seem to even be out of breath. As we turn a corner, I realize where we are. The pair is leading me to the back doors, to the bench where Tally and I always sit. Maybe Tally is waiting there for me and Candy insists on playing a joke on me to make me think that something is wrong. That is, after all, something Candy would do.

  As soon as we are at the doors, Zeke reaches around me, pushes it open, and Candy tugs me through the passage. The bright summer sun makes it hard to see and my eyes take a second to adjust. When I can see what’s around me, I definitely don’t see a girl named Tally. Now I’m just plain pissed.

  “Where’s Tally?” I snap at Candy. I see Zeke take a step closer to me and turn my head to look at him.

  “There is nothing about you I fear, so you can give up the scare tactics.” He must see truth in my eyes because he simply shrugs and steps back. His face relaxes as he folds his arms across his broad chest.

  I turn back to Candy and see that she’s holding out a worn, folded piece of paper. I feel my stomach drop to my feet and I know that I don’t want to take that paper. I don’t want to know what it says and I know that is irrational because it’s just a piece of paper, right?

  “Take it, Trey,” Candy tells me with an unusually kind voice.

  My eyes snap up to hers and the sorrow in them tells me everything that I need to know.

  “Where is she, Candy? I’m not playing around. Where is she?” My jaw tenses and I feel every muscle in my body become rigid. There I stand, Candy’s own personal Indian Totem pole, staring at a piece of paper that is going to crush me.

  “Please, Trey, she wanted you to have it. Please don’t make this any harder. Just take the paper and go.” Candy’s words sound like they’re coming through a tunnel as I hear the blood rushing through my veins. My heart pounds in my chest and I feel it all the way to my throat. She continues to speak, but I can’t hear her over the throbbing. Then a word finally breaks through the noises in my head. Gone. I heard the word gone.

  “Wait.” I shake my head, waiving my hand in front of her. “What did you just say?”

  Candy huffs, “I said she’s gone. You asked. I’m telling. So would you please take this damn piece of paper so that I can go terrorize the delusional patients who are playing Bingo?”

  I reach out to take the paper and feel as if I am moving in slow motion. I feel every movement, from the extension at my elbow all the way to my hand’s grasping motion and then I feel the paper’s texture in my fingers and a burning sensation making me want to drop it, but not being able because it’s from her.

  I unfold it slowly, hoping that the worn creases do not tear. I see my name hastily scrawled at the top. Knowing she thought of me when she wrote it makes my mouth and throat begin to feel like sandpaper as I try to swallow. My eyes drift slowly down, not wanting to get to the other words that I know are there. I notice splotches all over the paper that could only be from her tears. My jaw tenses and I squeeze my eyes closed. I have to force my hands to relax so that I don’t crush the note. With nowhere else to look, I land on her words.

  Trey,

  There is so much I need to tell you, but I can’t. I’ve known you all of a week and all we ever did was sit on a bench at the back of a mental hospital and talk, yet ours was the most meaningful relationship I have ever had. I will never know what I am to you, but I figured out what you are to me, what you give me, and it’s something that only you could. You gave me hope. It may not sound like much, but it could mean the difference between life and death. With you, I was able to really be me. Because of you I know that when I can’t find the real, whole, untarnished Tally, it doesn’t mean that she is gone.

  This might freak you out because you barely know me. And I wish that I could see your face when I say it, but I can’t, so I’m saying it anyways.

  I love you Trey Swift

  Y.A.~ Tally

  I stand there reading the letter over and over hoping maybe it will change and say something different. I finally look up from the letter and realize I’m alone. I look back down with frustration that she hasn’t left an address or phone number, something…anything. I know she felt what I did when we were together. Why would she not even at least want to keep in touch and where the hell was she going? She never mentioned moving. I feel anger stir as shock begins to fade and realize that she didn’t explain in her letter why she left. My body freezes as I look at the back doors. There is one person who would know everything, because she makes everything, her business.

  I’m trying to get my raging emotions under control and a little surprised that I’m responding this way. Are you really? I ask myself. Fine then. I’m reacting exactly as a man who has just lost his world.

  I reach Candy’s closed door and knock on it a little harder than normal etiquette dictates.

  The door opens, but only wide enough for Candy to squeeze out. She pulls it closed tightly behind her and slaps on one of her many smiling faces, choosing one that basically says why are you still here?

  “I need her address or phone number. Preferably both.” Being the man of the house for so long now, I have learned that you get more accomplished when you tell instead of ask.

  “Why would I have that information?” she asks. I notice that she seems even more restless than the other times that I have seen her. She scratches her leg and then tugs at her shirt as if to make sure it is on straight.

  “Because you are her aunt and you seem very close to her. Surely you plan to keep in touch with her.” My eyes narrow at her and I get that stabbing feeling in my neck that I have been played.

  “Yes, well, we had a falling out. There was yelling, scratching, all sorts of name calling, and then, just like that, she was giving me the finger and walking out of here.” She folds her arms on her chest and begins tapping her foot as she looks up at me.

  “You do realize that I’m not that dumb, right?” I start to clench my hands, only to remember I’m still holding Tally’s letter. I fold it up, slowly using the time to get my ire in check.

  “What harm…?” I start but she cuts me off holding her hand in the air.

  “Look, I didn’t want to have to tell you this. You seem like a nice guy and I’m sure you have an incredible teepee, but Tally didn’t want you to have her number. She said it’s over, a summer thing. She starts school back soon and she needs to get ready for the stress.” Candy cringes and bites her bottom lip. She obviously thinks she’s said too much.

  “That’s an awful lot of crap, Candy. How did you fit all of it in your mouth?” I mock. My control is gone. Candy, and Tally for that matter, are trying to play me like a fool.

  Candy suddenly bends over and at first, I think something is wrong but then I realize she is laughing, correction, hysterically laughing. She stands with tears from her laughter running down her cheeks. Several seconds later she lets escape a contented sigh, “Oh, man, that was so good. I mean, that was like something I would say.” She lets out a breath and another chuckle, “It’s a shame,” she says shaking her head.

  “Tally might very well have said those things. If she did, she was lying to herself and me. There is no way she only thought of me as a summer thing.” I can feel my chest tightening as I allow myself to briefly consider it, but dismiss it just as quickly. I know that Tally didn’t think of us as just killing time.

  “Damn it!” Candy snaps and stomps her foot. She sets her jaw and stares directly into my eyes. “I’m not going to let you leave here wondering, or thinking she didn’t care.” She leans forward and motions for me to bend closer. She puts her mouth close to my ear and whispers softly, “It may take a little bit for her to realize that she can’t live without you; she can’t breathe without you.”

  Candy step
s back and has her annoyed look back in place, she clears her throat and then points to the exit. “Do what you gotta do, Tonto! Personally I think she’s a squaw worth fighting for.”

  “It usually helps to know who your opponent is,” I say, ignoring her references.

  “Tally is fighting herself, and a past that might as well be plastered on a damn billboard, and you are fighting Tally.” She explains ticking them off on her fingers.

  “I’m fighting Tally to have her?”

  Candy’s eyes widen and then I realize how that sounded.

  “You know what I mean, Candy. How do I fight her to keep her? Seems like a futile battle.”

  “You know how we tell kids that they don’t know what’s good for them?”

  I nod.

  “This is one of those situations, only we’re dealing with an almost adult woman who has assholes for parents, only one friend she can trust, and self-esteem the size of the hairs on a flea’s butt.” She takes a deep breath and just keeps going, “Those things might not seem like a big deal, but there are other factors that can make those things unbearable. Now I’ve said way too much and if my niece finds out, she will gut me in my sleep.

  I step out of my truck and out onto the dusty road the Taggerts live on. With the sound of the creaking door slamming closed behind me, I look up, and for the life of me can’t remember driving here. I remember Candy telling me to leave and shoving me in the direction of the front doors. She wasn’t unkind about it. I think she was worried that I was going to lose it. She wasn’t far off the mark. I remember getting in my truck and reading her letter again. I look down at my right hand and see that my knuckles are bleeding; I vaguely remember punching the dash board. But from there on, I don’t remember. It was like I was on autopilot.

  I head towards the horse stalls, glad to be doing something, especially something that would take a lot of energy. Mr. Taggert let me know the day before that he had square bales of hay he wanted stacked. That was fine with me. Throwing something, even seventy-five pound bales of hay, was better than just sitting and thinking about Tally.